Published On: December 29, 2019

Sometimes God gives you big decisions to make in life to propel you forward

“If we can just acknowledge that we have a screwed up relationship. And we stick it out anyways. We accept that we fight a lot…and we hardly have sex anymore….but we don’t want to live without each other. And that we can spend our lives together miserable, but happy not to be apart.” -Elizabeth Gilbert, “Eat, Pray, Love”

Sometimes the act of just deciding to choose yourself is the first step to true healing. Life does throw messy situations our way to test our values, to test our self-love, and to test our willingness to walk away from the places and people that crush our hearts. If you are not an advocate for yourself no one else will be. Daily, each one of us teach people how it is that they can treat us. But what happens when your whole life you feel like you have been let down? That this big world is full of let downs. Then one day you get to the day where you say “enough is enough”. I remember I had such a big year when I was 7years old. I came to a lot of conclusions in that year of my life. One of them was that I can always depend on myself. Which is healthy, right? Yet in that same instance, I believed that so many peoples behaviors around me just didn’t make any sense. Ultimately, I didn’t receive the love and respect that I felt my little heart deserved. It didn’t make sense to me how someone can say “I love you”, but not show it in their actions. I felt that it hurt too much to actually feel the sorrow that my heart felt over and over again. There were so many disappointing people. My wide open little heart couldn’t bear to be pushed aside one more time. So as many do, I chose to take a deep breath, believe in myself, and not depend on anyone else to show me love or to help me. When friends or family did something great for me I acknowledged it , of coarse. But in the same token, I also had been kinda surprised by it.

Almost my whole life (it seems) I have been holding myself back from living the potential of what I have always yearned for; and specifically because of this way of thinking. Personal beliefs can be incredibly powerful. Why is it that I have always attracted unavailable men into my life. That I live in “Their” lives not “Our” lives. What is that? How is it that I always felt as though I was begging for my partners to want to be with me? One thing that I have learned is that you don’t know something until you know it. By being ridiculously self sufficient, I was attracting men that frankly didn’t have to try very hard, that didn’t have to fulfill any of my needs, and that didn’t have to participate much. When a woman projects to a man that She has it all covered and doesn’t have any requests/needs to be met there becomes an unhealthy dynamic. Well Shit! Not what I was thinking at all. I am extremely proud of myself for taking the right actions to show myself that I am worthy of the greatest kinds of love, the greatest kinds of respect, and the greatest kinds of relationships. It took me two therapists and a few years of trying to figure out what I was doing wrong…to figure out that maybe it wasn’t necessarily entirely me. If a relationship is going wrong; I feel as though each person needs to realize their acting role in the turmoil. I most definitely needed to do something about it without trying to point any more fingers. And a person cannot expect ever to fix the other person. Unavailable personality traits are painful and confusing for the other person in the partnership. Yet straight up what it boils down to is a) Is this behavior something that I can live with and still be happy or b) not. Do you want to live your life in a continual state of disappointment? Or better yet a continual state of Victim Mentality? You will be able to complain every single day of your life if you want to. And how can you blame the person that you are with when they may not be capable of opening up to their own feelings. Good for them? No…Good for you? HELL NO.

If you feel as though you are not in a mutual give and take, loving relationship, I would hope that you will take extra care to concentrate on being gentle and kind to yourself. Take the time to lift yourself up and come to a state of knowing how you feel. The more you know how you feel; the more you will be able to make the appropriate choices that can lead to positive change with your significant other or without. I do not believe that all relationships have these issues. I know the healthiest partnerships live life together. Trying together. Loving each other no matter what life is throwing their way. There is a huge difference between marriage where both parties are in it together and marriage that has no stable solid foundation. Respect has to be a core value given and received by both parties.

“You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.” -Nina Simone

God wants us to have a fulfilled life. And God has given us free will. The blessings God has in mind for you may be blocked unless you let go of what isn’t serving you to create space to allow what it is that you are longing for in your life, especially if you are in an unhealthy situation. God told me “No” for so many years. Then one day God said “Do it now or you will not have the blessings that I have in store for you.’ In that moment I immediately walked away.

By listening to the sound of God speaking in my life, I have been able to move forward with confidence. Love yourselves!!!! I absolutely love myself. I choose to not put the pressure on someone else to be in my life for the purpose to fill my cup. Myself and God only have the privilege of that task. Once you can be happy and satisfied alone, if need be, then will you be given another whole happy person to walk alongside you. It is time to have patience in healing and trust that what we deserve is on its way to us all. Lay down the burdens of the things that cannot be changed because those troubles may not be yours to bear. Stand true to your beautiful spirit. Let us open our hearts wide for the ones that are honey to our souls. And let us pray for the ones that have their own troubles to face. I am at a time in my life that I can forgive and pray for help if I am having trouble doing so. Forgiveness is hard yet so wonderful because it has allowed me to walk forward in peace. Don’t get me wrong either…I am human too. And I don’t have all the answers all of the time, but I really do try to do the right thing. God is good all of the time….Even when things look a complicated mess. I am blessed beyond measure, y’all! I feel the promises that God has given me. God’s Divine timing is always perfect.

Love you all & Remember to smile often-Jessica